The F1 approach- Cortisone keeps it simple

Before I tell you about last nights meeting with Cortisone and Henry (No 2 son- named after a really useful vacuum cleaner) a few brief bits and bobs of both relevent and not so relevent information:

1. Met up with DW yesterday. DW used to be my “light weight” double sculling partner… but not any more. DW is now the “heavy weight” within the team (by 2lbs). He has to be applauded for his focus and his unquenchable thirst for Guinness. All good things come to he who waits- even a Scottish Rugby victory.

2. I am meeting up with GB tomorrow at Auchenstarry Basin at 07:30 for a paddle on the Canal. Whilst GB is not exactly specific on the route or distance- “heading west” is the plan, he has been much more scientific in his dietary approach to the mornings activities.

I quote:
“7.30 at Auchenstarry, when we finish we can reward ourselves with Brunch at the boathouse which is served until 11:30.

From the menu.
One option which appeals to me is the full scottish : back bacon, lorne sausage, black pudding, haggis, potato scone, mushrooms, beans and fried egg. But the posh breakfast of stornoway black pudding, saute mushrooms, poached egg, parma ham, toasted croute, hollandaise sauce and rocket. also has merits. Both seem to me like suitable fuel for paddling athletes ;-]”

My days as the lightweight in the double scull may be numbered.

3. On Sunday- It is back to the Canal for the “Forth and Clyde Canal Marathon” again at Auchenstarry. Following my feats and exploits in the couple of races I took part in last year, I do not merit entry into the long course event of 10 miles, nor even the short course event of 7 miles. Instead, as befits my status as a novice paddler I am eligible for the mini course of 3 miles.

For those of you who might think that this is a bit on the light side…let me tell you- it can be hell out there on the mini course.  I am racing the up and coming youngsters and they are viciously competitive. Having been taken apart at the Linlithgow Time Trail Challenge by a 14 year old young lady (amongst others) I am under no illusions- it will not be pretty. What I dread most is becoming re-aquainted with the Scottish Lightning paddlers, who paddle the same course. These charming urchins, some of whom are aged 8, do not lack a martial spirit, Kipling and Lord Kitchener would have been proud to call them British. I still have not recovered psychologically from the first race when one youngster chose to firstly ram me, and then knock my paddle out of my hand-as she went past, all because I had inadvertently strayed into her path.

4. I had a very nice telephone call from the lady who organises the start times of the Devizes Westminster yesterday, who was trying to determine whether I am a fast or a slow paddler. In a matter of seconds it was established that I will be starting with the slower boats next Friday at 07:50 rather than with the quick K1′s, who start after 09:30.

Cortisone and Henry discuss low bridges

The one and only Support Party meeting.

I have long been looking forward to delivering an immortal line to open the meeting dealing with the Support Party. “Gentlemen, our mission is…” delivered in the style of Colonel John “Hannibal” (“I love it when a plan comes together”)Smith to the A Team. Unfortunately trying the same approach with Cortisone and Henry failed to capture their imagination. Indeed they appeared not to understand the gravitas of the moment. All in all very disappointing. In fact Cortisone went so far as to interrupt my fine words and took over the meeting. The following was decided:

1. Cortisone and Henry are going to park at the first low bridge with a camera and take pictures of me swimming underneath it. They appeared to find this scenario hugely amusing.
2. Cortisone and Henry are bringing along DVD’s and CD’s to watch and listen to whilst I am racing.
3. Cortisone and Henry have researched the route and found out where all the McDonalds and KFC restaurants are located between Devizes and Westminster.
4. They figure I am fat enough as it is and will only require minimal feeding.
5. That we need to think like a F1 Team with a lesser quality car and driver- therefore fill it up and minimal pit stops is the approach.
6. They will be good enough to interrupt their days “planned” activities to meet me on three occasions throughout each days paddling. This includes meeting me at the finish.
7. If I appear less than grateful when we do meet up- then I get nothing.
8. They are both bringing catapults.
9. That they are both big fans of one my competitors- race no 703. For this Gentleman completed the entire Waterside Series, whilst I only managed to finish Waterside B.
10. They have both given me a list of their own personal requirements reference the accommodation for the evenings. Cortisone even gave me his Christmas present list for December 2010.

Ever felt you are dealing with Terrorists.

The last demand……..

The Blog is being taken over. From 00:00 hrs 1st of April 2010- I am being stripped of the Blog and Cortisone is taking over…I fear for the integrity of the free press.