Waterside

I have been looking at the results from Waterside A. From the times I can deduce that the vast majority of paddlers in that event are significantly quicker than I.

Again this morning I decided to try another session incorporating portages. I paddled approximately 15 km (with 14 portages) in approximately 2 hours 30 minutes. If I had paddled Waterside A it is likely to have taken me around 3 hours and 40 minutes. This would have put me right at the back of the fleet. It is of course difficult comparing different waters and weather conditions, the only way I will really be able to measure myself is in 13 days time at Waterside B. I really cannot wait.

I have been monitoring a number of the crews entered at Waterside A:

Alan Archondakis & Stuart Logan Longridge 2:12:34 (18th DW09 k1 20:33)
Senior K2 Rich Potter & Tom Westwater team GT 3:45:11 (a source of great wisdom)
Mixed K2 Mark Bragg & Antoinette Kriel Integrate 2:20:06 (raced Cortisone and I @ Linlithgow)
Brian Greenaway & Giel Spierings Fowey 2:13:34 (Fathers 1977 Royal team)
K1 senior Philip Pearse Southampton 1:56:29 (7th DW09 17:00)
K1 Veteran Graham Holmes (m) Rabbit Ind Paddlers 2:18:20 (19th DW09 20:33)

I am hoping that I will come up against these crews at Waterside B. I also noted Craig Hills performance in his prototype C1, it is great to see the madness is still alive and kicking. Craig comes across to me as similar in attitude as those characters featured in that wonderful film “Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines”. Looking at the photographs from previous DW and Waterside events, it is good to see that we haven’t completely lost “focused eccentricity” in Great Britain.

I must also take this opportunity to thank my erstwhile K2 partner and friend for his generous birthday present yesterday- a mobile telephone- I think he is trying to tell me something. I am currently trying to figure out how it works.

Sophie is still up to her feeding tricks. There was a Cadbury’s cream egg (my favourite confectionary item) lying on my bedside table when I arrived home last night. Plus part of my Birthday present from Sophie was a large box of Lindt chocolates.

Saturday Night Feeder

Recently I have been steadily losing weight, through strict and rigid self discipline. Sophie (dearest wife) has been testing this discipline. The biscuit tin is these days full of my favourite bourbon creams, the fridge is well stocked with an array of cheeses (another favourite) and there are always a couple of open but hardly touched bottles of wine readily available when I get home from work. Although I have found it frustrating to have to try and lose weight with so much ready temptation with in easy reach, and although Cortisone has long suggested Sophie is a feeder, I have so far discounted the idea that Sophie has any ulterior motives….that is until now.

Last week a number of Sophie’s friends commented on my weight loss and how much younger I am now (apparently looking). Since then Sophie has been 1) much more approachable on a number of fronts and 2) much more direct in endeavouring to increase my calorific intake. I have put on weight this weekend following a blitzkrieg campaign of direct action by Sophie, whose opening barrage on Saturday night was a superb lamb curry (yet another favourite). The preliminary infiltration commenced at approximately 16:00 hours on Saturday afternoon. Whilst I was engrossed in the rugby a large glass of Pinot Grigio was discreetly placed at my side. Absent mindedly it was consumed, it was refilled, consumed, refilled etc etc. This was followed by a sudden and violent barrage of spicey popadoms supported by an array of pickles and sauces. Unfortunately I still did not realise I was under attack. When the Lamb Curry and a couple of bottles of Claret rolled in, a culinary pincer movement, I at last saw the threat but it was too late there was no chance of escape- complete encirclement had been achieved. By the time Cortisone telephoned to check I was still ok for the Sunday morning outing, I was a gibbering wreck, completely incapable of all movement, other than the ability to place another morsel of cheese and oatcake into my mouth.

I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like a goose ready to metamorphose into foie gras. I met up with Cortisone and we went for a paddle in the K2. Cortisone had received a knock on his back the evening before, unfortunately this knock had hit the exact point of his break and therefore he was in some discomfort. We turned early, paddling only 4km.

On returning home, the feeding frenzy continued, with Sophie triumphant as she placed a large cooked breakfast before me. By the time France had easily beaten Scotland at Murrayfield, any lingering resistance on my part had been well and truly wiped out. The coup de grace, delivered shortly before bed was a large wedge of Chocolate Gateau served with some delicious Hagen Daz ice cream filled with chunks of toffee.

Portaging plus epiphany followed by an altercation

This morning, whilst I was waiting for Cortisone to arrive for our K2 outing, I took the K1 out and started practicing portaging seriously for the first time. Up until now my portaging practice has been limited to getting in the boat at the beginning of the outing and getting out on completion of the paddle. Having noticed that the participants in Waterside A will be undertaking 19 portages during that event, I decided to up my game. The intention was to recreate Waterside A on Loch Lomond by paddling 21.6 km and portaging 19 times using the Balloch Park Jetty. The idea was to come into the Jetty, get out of the boat, run 20 metres, turn and run back to Jetty and get in and continue paddling. Unfortunately when I arrived at the Loch it was very rough so I relocated to the River Leven and used the Rowing Club landing slip as my dummy portage facility. In the end I paddled 13 km and completed 10 portages prior to calling it a day. Surprisingly I enjoyed the experience, it certainly proved a worthwhile exercise. I found my ability to stop/ hold up the the boat with my right hand blade improved. However next time I try this exercise I am going to wear an old top- its a mucky business this portaging.

When Cortisone finally arrived, it took just one look at his eyes to realise that there was every chance that he had been drinking again. We boated into a strong head wind. Paddling behind Graeme I was almost overcome by the fumes, a mixture of peppermint and the entire Lynx shower gel/ aftershave range. When we turned he told me had a confession to make and ruefully announced that he had hit the bottle the night before. It is unusual for me to hold the moral high ground in such matters, so I decided not to mention that I too had succumbed the evening before. Perhaps we should learn from this moment, as this was our best and smoothest outing so far, despite less than easy conditions.

As we were packing up at the end of the outing, Cortisone, quite out of the blue, proclaimed that he had an “Epiphany” during the paddle. I have to admit it was quite a revelation to myself that he knew this word. I was wondering what bombshell Cortisone was going to drop. In the end he divulged, that he has now, at long last realised the secret of getting maximum benefit out of his wing paddle.

As we were driving back through Balloch Park, we received both verbal and non verbal abuse from a chap walking his dog. This turned out to be a positive intervention as we were having an argument at the time, it is amazing how a common enemy can heal crew disharmony. I am pleased to report that shortly afterwards we drove off after receiving a full apology from the abusive fellow.

Animal House- A Bizarre Morning

15 stone 11 lbs this morning- weight still in free fall. Bizarrely just after I weighed myself I opened a letter from the The Priory Hospital Glasgow (offers regular accommodation to a number of celebrities who are often worse for wear) suggesting I take part in “National Eating Orders Awareness Week”. I am intrigued, as I have no idea of why I am on their mailing list, I certainly have no recollection of using the facility…..

When I went to collect Cortisone this morning, it soon became clear he had forgotten we had an assignation. It was dark in the street outside his house, I was keen to get hold of him without waking his neighbours or disturbing his parents (unfortunately I do not pack a mobile phone). It is difficult at times to blend into your surroundings, it is a tad harder if you are wearing wetsuit bottoms, a buoyancy aid and pink crocks in a residential street in Balloch. Furtively I managed to get round the back of Cortisones house (very much in the style of the late great John Belushi) and tap gently on his window. After tapping a little harder Cortisone finally awoke, the face that first appeared at the window suffuse with anger at this violation of his privacy. Undaunted I put on my biggest smile pointed at my watch and held up my paddle provocatively, instantly a beatific grin swept over his face and Graeme indicated he would be out shortly.

It was good paddle this morning in the K2, our longest yet, lasting just under the hour. Some ice and an attack from a friendly white wolf added that little bit of je ne sais quoi, that makes a morning paddle more interesting than usual.

Graeme and I were both a little dismayed yesterday to note GB’s public display of capitulation on the Devizes to Westminster front, however I note Tom’s (from Team GT Condor) comment, and look forward to hearing how GB gets on in the Arctic race. Paddling on Castle Semple Loch at the moment should be good preparation- all the best GB.

GB acquires yet another boat

The latest addition to the GB Fleet (GB's is Red)

The NDK Greenlander Pro is GB’s latest purchase. The pro has a key hole cockpit design making it much easier to enter and exit. Originally designed as an ocean race boat, the Greenlander Pro is very fast when paddled empty. The first thing you notice when paddling it is the excellent glide. Once it reaches cruising speed the Pro will literally paddle itself…..well that’s the sales chat anyway.

GB is absolutely fixated with this latest purchase, heading straight to the icy waters of the Loch at Castle Semple immediately after picking the boat up. Since then he has taken to spending long solitary hours in the evenings in his garage polishing and buffing its shiny red hull- apparently its now a flying machine:- ‘Busby’s Water Membrane Friction Busting Snake Oil Polish’ [for £8.99 a bottle GB will happily supply].

GB is intending to compete in the Glasgow to Edinburgh Canoe race April 2010 and the Devizes Westminster 2011 (hence the key hole cockpit to make portaging easier). It will be interesting to see how he gets on, I note some of the sea kayaks make good time over the Devizes Westminster Course and can complete it under 23 hours- my target time.

I paddled 14km today, it snowed last night again, Loch Lomond was therefore particularly picturesque but thankfully not as cold as it was yesterday.

Ice Age 2 & New Month..New Goals

The ice is back, very cold during this mornings paddles. Felt  the boat slowing down as the ice steadily built up on the decks as the outing went on. On lifting the boat out after 14km it was noticeably much heavier than normal. When I arrived at back at the car with the boat I found my locks had frozen, so I spent a farcical 1/2 hour trying to get back in, and only succeeded as the result of a desperate measure. Having boated from the beach and having wet feet..I could have done without the additional 1/2 an hour

Training has gone well over the Month of January.

Currently 15 stone 13lbs, I have dropped over a 1 and 1/2 stone in weight (after the self indulgence of Christmas in Wales) which has resulted in improvement over number of different areas of performance.

• Boat speed is quicker both at firm pressure and when cruising- I have less weight to drag along plus there is less wetted surface area on the hull.
• I can now portage significantly faster- As the size of the waist and backside diminishes I now no longer get jammed in the cockpit, in addition every pound I lose in weight makes getting my body out of the boat far easier (my knees and legs are much happier).
• Endurance has improved, I can now paddle 14km comfortably day after day- gone are the days when I would literally crawl out of the boat after 8km.
• My core stability/ confidence in the boat is developing- I have survived some unfriendly conditions over the last 4 weeks.

Even better I feel healthier than I have for over a decade and certainly much better than I did at this time last year when my weight was up at 19 stone. The last time I was under 16 stone was back in 1996. This kayaking is the best weight loss programme I have come across.

With regards equipment and Devizes Westminster specific requirements, over the last month I have:

• Acquired the necessary items that make up the required kit to be carried throughout the race.
• Sorted out the storage of these items on the boat- plus a couple of other spare items.
• I now paddle the boat with all this kit in place.
• Purchased the correct buoyancy aid.
• Sorted out my footwear for the race.
• Sorted out my bottom wear for the race.
• Sorted out the Pogies and bad weather kit.
• Found the most comfortable waterproof tops for paddling in.
• Paddle all outings now with the kit I will be wearing in the race.
• Have all the necessary maps for the support party.
• Sorted out a support party- Graeme and Henry.
• Purchased the necessary camping equipment for the overnights.
• Acquired the necessary maps of the course.

On the to do list for this month:

1. To book the campsites.
2. To start planning the meeting points with the support party.
3. To sort out my drinking and eating routines.
4. To sort out a drinking system/ bottle.

The last two I have possibly left a little late.

On the physical performance front this months targets are:

1. To start paddling longer distances at weekends i.e. over 14km preferably 28 km.
2. To start incorporating more portaging into my paddling sessions i.e. create some dummy portage points along the training route (obviously on the Loch the only time you practice portaging is at the start and end of an outing.
3. To try and drop my weight to 15 and a 1/2 stone.
4. To work extra bike sessions into the training programme, these sessions to include hill work in order to really develop the strength in the legs.
5. To endeavour to improve on paddling technique, particularly to gain more consistency of stroke especially in adverse conditions.

Obviously the acid test will be when I paddle against other Devizes Westminster Paddlers. I have therefore entered the Waterside B  race on the 21st February in order to get some idea of how my performance compares when tested against other paddlers.

My main challenge in the boat at the moment is dealing with the cramps that develop in my legs after about 90 minutes of continuous paddling.

Burnt Out

Received the following email from DW this morning.
No blog since 30th Jan!!??
Have you drowned or has the shedding of weight reduced your ability to withstand the cold??

I apologise for being behind with the blog, but DW should take some responsibility for the fact that I have been a little under the weather over the last few days.

DW presides (until 7am the following morning)

The Saturday Nights Burns Supper was as good an event (Burns or otherwise) as I have attended in years. DW in his role as honorary chieftain managed to control events (although not his wife- the lovely Linda from Shetland and her cohort in Tartan miniskirts the lovely Lesley from Blairgowrie) admirably. Great food and a plentiful supply of grog accompanied some sublime renditioning of Tam O Shanter and Holy Willy’s prayer and other contributions.

When it came to the battle of the sexes as per the “Toast to the Lassies” and the “Reply to the Laddies” I am afraid to say the ladies won, in fact winning doesn’t really do it justice- it was rather the total annihilation of the male sex, but done charmingly and flirtatiously….so much so, that most men in the room required convincing that despite the onslaught they were still “a man’s a man for a’ that”…. particularly the devastated husbands of the two “sarks” in question- who received a most brutal and public betrayal- all great stuff.

The Blairgowrie Sark

The Shetland Sark

On the Sunday morning, despite the excesses and the trials and tribulations of the night before I had to be up at 06:00 as I had to work. However I did manage a shortish paddle in fowl conditions- if I had not been wearing a spraydeck the boat would have sunk. Although at times terrifying (I am unsure of my balance at the best of times) it was also an electrifying experience surfing in a k1 with the bows at times completely immersed in a wave. I am now confident that I have a fighting chance of surviving the Tideway element of the Devizes Westminster. On returning home I felt a celebration was in order and hit the bottle accordingly…I did not paddle on Monday.

This mornings paddle was good, despite some adverse conditions I managed for the first time to paddle aggressively rather than defensively Sundays outing has blown away a few cob webs with regards lack of confidence in rough water.

Jekyll and Hyde

Graeme (aka Cortisone) was in a devilish mood for this mornings paddle. He was out of sorts after yesterdays blog, aggrieved that I had compared him with a Haggis. During the outing I was on the receiving end of some uncouth choices of expression, and was repeatedly referred to as Mussolini on account of “Yon huge roman hooter”-to use his particular turn of phrase.

His foul mood did not help his boating skills, he did a particularly good job of destroying the boat on entering, snapping part of the foam support off, behind his seat. At the end of the outing at the pontoon, there was a moment when I was unsure as to whether he was trying to exit the boat or to scuttle it.

The actual paddle though was rather good by our standards. The conditions were cold again, with ice forming on the Loch at the slipway at Duncan Mills. The Northerly wind created a some challenging waves, so much so that the Loch Lomond Rowing Club scullers were skulking far closer to shore than usual. Despite these waves we paddled the boat comfortably, covering approximately 7km.

After the outing Graeme was in far better humour, and in complete contrast to his earlier behaviour, charming and sensitive. On reflection, these drastic mood swings are probably caused by fear at the beginning of the outing (fear of falling in when trying to enter the boat at pontoon, and fear of capsize into freesing water far from shore) being replaced by exhilleration and relief once back on dry land that all has gone well.

Cortisone gives it two fingers

Drunk and disorderly (Cortisone) turned up for this mornings paddle, and instantly made an executive decision to cancel the outing- siting the poor weather conditions. Having just been out the K1 prior to his arrival, and only just managing to get back intact, it was a relief to have the decision to cancel taken out of my hands. I forgot to ask if his two broken fingers are recovering, however he did inform me that he has been waggling the broomstick- 3 sessions this week of 60 minutes each.

Today my buoyancy aid arrived from Marsport. It is the YAK product they sell, and any misgivings that I had prior to using it regards possible discomfort and restraint through the stroke were quickly dispelled- it was great, and in fact also helped warmth wise. Another benefit pointed out by a grinning Cortisone, was that it has a slimming effect i.e. also works as a corset.

16 stone 0 lbs this morning, however given today and the weekends (Burns Supper) likely dietary intake I will surprised if I am not a stone heavier by Monday.

By way of thanking Graeme (aka Cortisone) for the corset comment I leave you with the opening 4 lines of an Address to a Haggis, as when Graeme grins he does bear an uncanny resemblance to the following:

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin’-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:

The Naval arms race is in danger of going up another level, GB has another boat purchase on the horizon plus “Red Denis the Bolshevik” is looking to aquire a boat as well. In few months time there may well be a few opposing fleets of Dreadnoughts cruising the waters of Loch Lomond.

“Dainty Dave” and “The Deil’s Awa Wi’ The Exciseman”

16 stone 1 lb again this morning. I struggling to break through this 16 stone marker, which is fast becoming a psychological as well as physical challenge. No real news on the paddling front, other than the canals are still iced up, although as ever Loch Lomond is paddleable (my word). In Scotland the celebrations of Rabbie Burns go from strength to strength with a few more invitations to impromptu Burns Suppers hitting the letter box. It is like a crescendo of poetic energy building up to the climax that will be Saturdays Burns Supper. DW who is (as has been previously reported) will be the Conductor in Chief of this Dinner, as befits his status as Commodore of Helensburgh Sailing Club. No pressure David. DW has been noticeably absent from recent paddling events- no doubt brushing up on his School Boy Ayrshire. After the first Linlithgow Time Trial and his epic performance in the Sea Kayak there was some thought that DW should be renamed “Tenacious D” (this would also get rid of the confusion between DW the man and DW the race). However given this extended celebration of Burns, my thoughts are that; yes he should be renamed (we do not want go through the “is he” or “isn’t he” a DW Virgin mix up again)- but only after the next Linlithgow Time Trial. The options will then be either “Tenacious D” or in the words of the great Bard “Dainty Dave”.

For those of you who have not been able to enjoy a Burns Supper I leave you with-
The Deil’s Awa Wi’ The Exciseman

The deil cam fiddlin’ thro’ the town,
And danc’d awa wi’ th’ Exciseman,
And ilka wife cries, “Auld Mahoun,
I wish you luck o’ the prize, man.”

Chorus-The deil’s awa, the deil’s awa,
The deil’s awa wi’ the Exciseman,
He’s danc’d awa, he’s danc’d awa,
He’s danc’d awa wi’ the Exciseman.

We’ll mak our maut, and we’ll brew our drink,
We’ll laugh, sing, and rejoice, man,
And mony braw thanks to the meikle black deil,
That danc’d awa wi’ th’ Exciseman.
The deil’s awa, &c.

There’s threesome reels, there’s foursome reels,
There’s hornpipes and strathspeys, man,
But the ae best dance ere came to the land
Was-the deil’s awa wi’ the Exciseman.
The deil’s awa, &c.